Listen, May was not the best of months. Twitter was often an accurate reflection of the hurt, the tragedy, the anger that we all felt. For the purposes of this post, we’re going to ignore most of that—not to run away, but because sometimes we just need some laughter and royal wedding coverage. Here are some of the loveliest, funniest, most entertaining tweets to cross my Twitter feed this month.
I feel like every headline about nutrition or diet or exercise should simply read “Science Debunks Science Until Next Time“.
— Barnabas Piper (@BarnabasPiper) May 1, 2018
If you live in the south, there’s a good chance your biggest mission field is people who have grown up in a culture where you can be a Christian without Jesus.
— Dean Inserra (@deaninserra) May 1, 2018
About that time of the year when I try to become friends with people who have access to a pool
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) May 1, 2018
When your phone autocorrects “talk” to “y’all”, you know you’ve contextualized to the South.
— Daniel Darling (@dandarling) May 2, 2018
“You look so sunkissed!”
thanks my bronzer and I got in an accident this morning so now it’s my whole face
— allyson (@allysonkate) May 2, 2018
What I lack in communication skills, I make up for in .gif selection expertise.
— John Crist (@johnbcrist) May 2, 2018
Want to feel old? Me neither but here we are.
— Tyler Huckabee (@TylerHuckabee) May 2, 2018
PSA from brother J, age 8: pic.twitter.com/4n6QTuKi1L
— Amanda B. Williams (@biblewilliams) May 3, 2018
Current State Of The World:
#1 – "IT IS AN ABSOLUTE OUTRAGE THAT FACEBOOK IS COLLECTING OUR DATA!"
#2 – "I need to know who I am. Please take my DNA and store it in your giant database."
— Stephen Altrogge (@stephenaltrogge) May 3, 2018
I was just now trying to figure out if I was free to do something on May 19th. I kept looking at my calendar and it was clear, but I couldn't shake the sense that there was something going on that day.
Eventually I figured it out: Prince Harry & Meghan Markle's wedding. 😂
— Sharon Hodde Miller (@SHoddeMiller) May 3, 2018
It's 2018. Why aren't movie theaters selling soft serve yet?
— Rachel Trammell (@racheltrammell) May 3, 2018
best idea ever? yep.
Ah, Spring. That lovely time of year when the flowers cry out:
"TOTAL DEPRAVITY, UNCONDITIONAL ELECTION, LIMITED ATONEMENT, IRRESISTIBLE GRACE, PERSEVERANCE OF THE SAINTS"
— Richard Clark (@TheRichardClark) May 4, 2018
It’s a miracle (in the truest sense of the word) anyone sees Christ in any Christian. We’re awful.
— Barnabas Piper (@BarnabasPiper) May 5, 2018
Pastors, one easy way to love singles in your church is to use sermon illustrations or examples that include people beyond just spouses and children. #protip
— Bethany Jenkins (@BethanyJenkins) May 6, 2018
Going to the beach tomorrow so I should probably start going to the gym
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) May 6, 2018
I love that, while Haddon still has a whole lot to learn about scripture & theology, he is absolutely convinced that the world will be made right when Jesus comes back. It's one of his favorite topics to talk about.
I love that my children look forward to a world made right.
— Micah Fries (@micahfries) May 8, 2018
It's okay to be an internal processor. The internet rewards hot-takes but sometimes it's better to do the quiet work of interrogation and prayer before speaking publicly on an issue. Do your work.
— Kathryn Freeman (@KathrynAnnette) May 7, 2018
I just wanna be as confident as the people who keep their read receipts on.
— Jackie Hill Perry (@JackieHillPerry) May 7, 2018
Today is Teacher Appreciation Day – if you were homeschooled, choose wisely my friend.
— Ron Hyndman (@ronhyndman) May 8, 2018
It doesn’t matter if you knelt by the bed with your mom.
It doesn’t matter if it was VBS.
It doesn’t matter if it was a street preacher outside a crack house.
No matter how or where you were saved, this is your story:
You were lost without hope and Jesus came and got you.
— Griffin Gulledge (@griffingulledge) May 7, 2018
Pain ain't a pissing match. To say a chemo treatment gets more pain pts than the broken heart from a first crush is to be deaf and blind to the divine complexity of flesh and blood. Pain's pain. Hurt hurts.
— JohnBlase (@johnblase) May 9, 2018
It’s clear that the Church is divided, but let’s focus on things that unite us…. like everyone knowing the same hand motions to “Big, Big House.”
— Micheal Walley (@MichealWalley) May 9, 2018
to err is human; to point it out with glee, is internet
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 9, 2018
I really appreciate the fact that the primary way that God has chosen to speak to us is through the art form of literature.
— Jackie Hill Perry (@JackieHillPerry) May 9, 2018
remember people are always gonna criticize what you draw and say things like “but how is the snake holding the newspaper she is reading” – don’t listen to them. snakes can hold newspapers
— Nathan W. Pyle (@nathanwpyle) May 10, 2018
Frankly this is what @klout deserves for labeling me a “Kardashian expert”
— kyla (@whatkyIasaid) May 10, 2018
(Klout died this month.)
“FOX cancels all the shows you like, even ones that aren’t on FOX”
– today’s headlines— Seth Worley (@Awakeland3D) May 10, 2018
You'd think that studying the Bible so much would make it seem smaller, but it keeps getting bigger and I'm totally freaking out.
— Kaitlyn Schiess (@KaitlynSchiess) May 11, 2018
I don’t wanna live in a world where Fox cancels Brooklyn 99 but keeps News
— josh groban (@joshgroban) May 11, 2018
(NBC picked up Brooklyn 99 and there was much rejoicing.)
I remember when we could have church cookouts and pot lucks without half the people being on some weird diet (cough *whole30* cough).
— Taylor Combs (@combstaylor_) May 11, 2018
*thinks* about working out
that felt good
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) May 12, 2018
*texts, tweets, and scrolls Instagram through the entire time*
Wow that movie made zero sense— Røb Fee (@robfee) May 12, 2018
I had a nightmare last night that I inadvertently offended somebody. Welcome to my brain. pic.twitter.com/PHpqnzOJgf
— Emily McFarlan Miller (@emmillerwrites) May 12, 2018
A good 75% of my nightmares are simply someone being upset with me.
Friend: We’re going to have an outdoor wedding in July somewhere in the south.
Me: pic.twitter.com/na7tzRoVku— Jon Acuff (@JonAcuff) May 12, 2018
Mom: I can’t log into my Netflix.
Me: Ok what’s the password?
Mom: I don’t know.
Me: What’s the email address?
Mom: I don’t remember.
Me: What card did you use to set it up?
Mom: Card?
Me: What year is this?
Mom: Jantember?— Røb Fee (@robfee) May 13, 2018
Your mothers seem cool. Why’d you all turn out like this?
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) May 13, 2018
This is the contact info section of my mom's day planner pic.twitter.com/4YlwWC7Jzh
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) June 28, 2016
Mickey Mouse: "Do you want to come inside my clubhouse?"
Nora Kate (2 years old): "No. Uh uh. No."#strangerdanger— Mary Carlisle Wiley (@marycwiley) May 13, 2018
My lowest stakes pet peeve is that I dislike how “previously on” gives away what an episode is going to focus on.
— PJ Vogt (@PJVogt) May 14, 2018
Comparison robs us of the empathy needed to pray for those who long for what we have and the humility needed to pray for those who have what we long for.
— Lore FergusonWilbert (@lorewilbert) May 14, 2018
Well, I saw a snake in our backyard just now so summer is cancelled and we are moving.
— Sarah McStephens (@sarahmcstephens) May 14, 2018
no one can stop me from naming my dog bark ruffalo ok
— allyson (@allysonkate) May 15, 2018
I wonder if with all the sermons & books on how to “hold onto God” during suffering, if there should be just as much, if not more, on how to stay near God during seasons of ease.
I’ve seen more Christians drift from God when life was a breeze than I have when life was hard.
— Jackie Hill Perry (@JackieHillPerry) May 14, 2018
The error’s in plural’s, possessive’s, and plural possessives’ seem to get worse in students paper’s with each years passing. #amgrading
(Note to troll’s: error’s in this tweet intentional.)
— Karen Swallow Prior (@KSPrior) May 16, 2018
I’m becoming more and more convinced that they’ve taken proper apostrophe and plurals lessons out of US school curriculum. They distracted us with cursive writing and whatever that weird math is and just whispered to the children (and Siri), “always add an apostrophe s.”
Trying 2 organize piles of paper by making other piles of paper and then hiding those piles of paper in thicker paper called a folder lol smh
— erinmcgown (@erinmcgown) May 16, 2018
If the world thinks we are crazy, it should be because we believe in a personal God, a blood atonement, an empty tomb, forgiveness of sins, etc., not because we are acting *actually* crazy.
— Russell Moore (@drmoore) May 17, 2018
botanist: what should we call this, the weakest flower
baby: [breathes]
botanist: it’s perfect
— Nathan W. Pyle (@nathanwpyle) May 18, 2018
Guy in front of me at the gas station bought a lottery ticket, chocolate milk, and 4 honey buns. God bless America.
— Dean Inserra (@deaninserra) May 18, 2018
Yes, I have had the royal wedding on my calendar since the announcement.
Yes, I’ll be going to a royal wedding party.
Yes, we are making fascinators.
And YES, I will be awake at 3:30a to start watching the #RoyalWedding2018.#yolo pic.twitter.com/d8usxtJ1zb— Lydia McMillan (@lemcmillan) May 19, 2018
So excited to see what Meghan and Harry decide to go with for their royal wedding hashtag
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) May 19, 2018
(My favorite part of this tweet is its only reply.) [Its is the possessive without an apostrophe. I know, it’s weird. You can do this!]
Dreamt last night that I shot a peacock so I could use its feathers to make a fascinator. #RoyalWeddingFever #RoyalWedding2018
— Lizette Dillinger (@LizetteTweets) May 19, 2018
"I feel God in this Chili's tonight."
– the best TV line ever written and great theology
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) May 19, 2018
It seems unfortunate that there doesn't seem to be a PowerPoint on loop showing the weddings guests photos of #HarryAndMeghan and they were growing up. #RoyalWedding
— Lizette Dillinger (@LizetteTweets) May 19, 2018
Here’s looking at you, EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ME. https://t.co/gsqIXQz0Pw
— Annie F. Downs (@anniefdowns) May 19, 2018
I don’t normally do quote tweets because then you have to click the link and blah blah blah. But this was too good. Here’s the tweet Annie quoted:
Casual reminder that #HarryandMeghan met on a blind date through a mutual friend. Our friends really need to step up their game.
— E! News (@enews) May 19, 2018
"Here she is, making the final turn." I love how the commentating makes this sound so much like a sports event.
— Ruth Graham (@publicroad) May 19, 2018
"Where's her dad at?" ~Teddy asking me the most complicated question right as the ceremony starts!!!#RoyalWedding#HarryAndMegan
— Lizette Dillinger (@LizetteTweets) May 19, 2018
This episode of The Crown is so good
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) May 19, 2018
From now on all of my decisions will be made with one question in mind: Does this get me one step closer to receiving an invite to Princess Charlotte’s #RoyalWedding?
— Cortland Gatliff (@cortgatliff) May 19, 2018
Will putting her picture in Tweets of the Month Club every time get me an invite?!? I need to know ASAP.
When love is the way, there is plenty of good room for all of God's children. When love is the way, we will all live as family. #royalwedding
— Bekah Stoneking (@BekahStoneking) May 19, 2018
And now we’re listening to Stand By Me sung by a choir? Have I ever been more proud to be American? This is my Fourth of July.
— Annie B. Jones (@anniebjones) May 19, 2018
Y’all. This wedding. I couldn’t wait for it, but I didn’t have any idea how much we might need it. Extraordinary.
— Sophie Hudson (@boomama) May 19, 2018
I felt exactly, exactly the same way.
THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE?!? AMERICA CAME FOR THIS WEDDING.
— Annie B. Jones (@anniebjones) May 19, 2018
Have we already talked about how great a job Maclaulay Culkin is doing holding her veil? #royalwedding pic.twitter.com/z6o9uHqJx2
— emily p freeman (@emilypfreeman) May 19, 2018
The #RoyalWedding needs MTV pop-up video integration for the American audience.
— Bethany Jenkins (@BethanyJenkins) May 19, 2018
Biggest take-away from the #royalwedding is this: diversity in church, politics, and art is beautiful.
— Josh Garcia (@joshg_08) May 19, 2018
The Royal Wedding was a taste of the Marriage Supper of the Lamb this morning. A feast of joy and love where all are welcome.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) May 19, 2018
Now @mika_edmondson only cares about the lawn. "What kind of grass striker they using over there???"-This man believes in the power of a lawn.
— Christina Edmondson (@DrCEdmondson) May 19, 2018
The castle lawn was impressive.
11: Why do you want to see this wedding?
Me: We're part of the commonwealth, I like it.
11: Thanks for watching for us.
Me: I WANT to watch it.
11: Oh, I thought they were forcing us to.
Me: That's not how a commonwealth works.— Jan Moyer (@moyermama) May 19, 2018
#OhCanada
Just Married: Introducing The Duke and Duchess of Sussex #RoyalWedding pic.twitter.com/AJbqgiCNFR
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) May 19, 2018
Now that Meghan Markle has a new last name I wonder how long it’ll take for her to get used to signing her checks Meghan Duchess of Sussex
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) May 19, 2018
That tiara is so beautiful that I now know it’s called a tiara after I called it a “headband,” “visor,” and “veil-holder,” and that last one really sent Melissa off the rails. I’m learning about fashion, you guys!
— Michael Wear (@MichaelRWear) May 19, 2018
“Imagine a world where love is the way. Imagine our homes and families when love is the way. Imagine neighbourhoods where love is the way. Imagine governments and nations where love is the way. Imagine this tired old world when love…sacrificial love is the way.-Rev Michael Curry pic.twitter.com/LziL3RhhrG
— Christine Caine (@ChristineCaine) May 19, 2018
Dear Family: It’s okay to watch and be moved by the #RoyalWedding. It doesn’t make you insensitive or less caring about the inhumanity in the world. It doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten history. Find moments of joy. We need them to continue the work.
— Be A King (@BerniceKing) May 19, 2018
Y’all they let the black Pastor loose in the #royal wedding…oh and I’m loving it! Look at #harryandmeghan being a bridge… y’all he just asked the audience to TALK BACK!!!
— Tasha (@LatashaMorrison) May 19, 2018
May they live happily ever after.
And when they don’t, may they fight like heck to find their way back.
In spite of everyone else.
In spite of themselves.There’s a good bit to be cynical about these days. But I am not ready to give up on love, so help me, God.
— Beth Moore (@BethMooreLPM) May 19, 2018
Live look at me knowing you don’t have my number but waiting for a text anyway. pic.twitter.com/Py7cg9VZto
— Okoye’s Wig (@B_Hughes93) May 19, 2018
I was on a show called Franklin & Bash and Suits was our competition and they destroyed us in the ratings every week and also none of us married a royal.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) May 19, 2018
Just FYI we get one good thing per year now, hope you enjoyed the eclipse (2017) and the royal wedding (2018).
— Ruth Graham (@publicroad) May 19, 2018
If we have eyes to see it, the Royal Wedding was a prophecy, a glimpse of the future, a signpost to the big thing God is doing in the universe. It points beyond itself to the ultimate prince and his beautiful bride. pic.twitter.com/VQy8DvXTus
— Sam Allberry (@SamAllberry) May 20, 2018
Continental breakfast or existential encounter with reality? You decide at the Hampton Inn. pic.twitter.com/bGE077l1FE
— Derek Rishmawy (@DZRishmawy) May 19, 2018
A very cool thing happened to me this week because of
A.) Twitter
B.) Cool friends on TwitterThis has become a recurring event in my life. I am very grateful for this platform. And the people who choose to be cool on it.
— Seth Worley (@Awakeland3D) May 21, 2018
It can be a rough place at times, but I agree. I have twitter to thank for some of my best friends and, in a lot of ways, my current job.
This is the creepiest prayer ever:
“Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray to God my soul to take.” pic.twitter.com/1GZKYrPaEA— Jackie Hill Perry (@JackieHillPerry) May 21, 2018
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have released three official photographs from their Wedding day.
These photographs were taken by photographer Alexi Lubomirski at Windsor Castle, following the carriage procession. #RoyalWedding pic.twitter.com/WBim9EkI4D
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) May 21, 2018
In an Instagram poll, the majority of voters agreed it would not be weird for me to print and frame this photo and display it in my home.
I have seen a lot of horror movies so my fav person is the ghost dead kid on the far right whose living twin on the left is as yet unaware of his spectral presence. pic.twitter.com/VBJmLED7Lr
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) May 21, 2018
But maybe now I don’t want it displayed in my home.
Piper, on the beach, looking for seashells, wasting his life. pic.twitter.com/PiZamC3bUN
— Church Curmudgeon (@ChrchCurmudgeon) May 21, 2018
Spoken like a true train conductor.
— chris martin (@ChrisMartin17) May 22, 2018
I’m more & more convinced holy grief and persistent hope are both Christian disciplines. I see an increase in desensitization to the first, and cynicism toward the second, so we must FIGHT to remain grieved where the Spirit is grieved, and hopeful where God promises hope.
— Sharon Hodde Miller (@SHoddeMiller) May 22, 2018
me: here to audition for the cirque
them: which cirque?
me: [smiling knowingly] …of the sun
— Nathan W. Pyle (@nathanwpyle) May 22, 2018
Honest work answers:
“How are you getting on?”
“I haven’t really known for many years”“Are you busy?”
“Pretending to be!”“Did you get my email?”
“Yes, I ignored it because it was silly”“Free for a lunch meeting?”
“No, I’m afraid I’ll be eating lunch”“Good day?”
“Nah”— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) May 23, 2018
Those four days of spring we had last month were neat.
— Jonathan Howe (@Jonathan_Howe) May 23, 2018
"I don't feel strongly" is my most professional way of saying, "whatever."
— kate shellnutt (@kateshellnutt) May 24, 2018
If it's not cash only & in the middle of nowhere, it's not bbq.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) May 24, 2018
The risen Jesus:
I know
I know
I know
I know
I know
I know
I know
(Revelation 2-3)
Whatever we are facing, he knows.
— Ray Ortlund (@rayortlund) May 25, 2018
God sees the children freshly written out of law in Ireland. He sees the children ripped from their mothers’ arms at the US border. He sees the abandoned children languishing in our foster system. He sees them all. And so should we.
— Daniel Darling (@dandarling) May 26, 2018
I went to Starbucks this morning to write. We all think we’re going to change the world.
There are two elderly women sitting next to me, talking about Jesus. They are waving their arms and crying, one grabs the other’s hand when she says something sad.
This is where it’s at.
— Kaitlyn Schiess (@KaitlynSchiess) May 26, 2018
does anyone else get paralyzed by possibility at the start of a three-day weekend and just fritter hours away deciding what to do
— Alissa Wilkinson (@alissamarie) May 26, 2018
You ever walk out of a store in the mall and not remember which direction you came from, where your car is parked or what year it is?
— John Crist (@johnbcrist) May 26, 2018
“I’ve never been to a Starbucks before. Can you explain what coffee is?” – EVERYONE IN LINE IN FRONT OF ME
— Jared C. Wilson (@jaredcwilson) May 26, 2018
Sometimes we wait to run to Jesus thinking our sorrows and trials are too small. Thankful his invitation is simple: "in our time of need."
— Trillia Newbell (@trillianewbell) May 27, 2018
"There is no action or interaction too small or too routine to reflect the glory and the love of God. Love others as Christ loves the church." -J Carr @avesouthchurch
— Bekah Stoneking (@BekahStoneking) May 27, 2018
really excited to scream the line “I can make the bad guys good for a weekend” at the tswift concert like it has any relevance to my life whatsoever
— allyson (@allysonkate) May 27, 2018
"When cynicism becomes the default language, playfulness and invention become impossible. Cynicism scours through a culture like bleach, wiping out millions of small, seedling ideas."
-Caitlin Moran— Annie Parsons (@hootenannie1) May 27, 2018
Memorial Day. The kickoff to summer, or as I like to call it, the countdown to fall.
— Ronnie Martin (@ronniejmartin) May 28, 2018
Just feeling the need to express my thoughts on the MJ vs Lebron debate: pic.twitter.com/GRLBHxBddV
— Ashlyn Portero (@ashlynportero) May 29, 2018
I echo Ashlyn’s analysis here.
Wish there was a "Keep me signed in until I die because you know how I am with passwords" option.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) May 29, 2018
'Tis the season where people on FB post way too many pictures of / questions about snakes that have shown up in their yards / storage rooms / shoes. HERE'S WHAT KIND OF SNAKE THAT IS: A SNAKE.
— Sophie Hudson (@boomama) May 29, 2018
There was a story in the news about a guy who CALLED ANIMAL CONTROL FOR PERMISSION to kill a RATTLESNAKE that was bigger than the man himself. Nope.
Everyone: How do you feel?
Me: Like I’ve been hit by a bus.
…..
[Been holding back on that one for a few days]
— Karen Swallow Prior (@KSPrior) May 30, 2018
(Important contextual note here: Karen was literally hit by a bus this month. She is okay, but we’re all still praying for her full recovery.)
How To Become A Runner:
1. Make a “For the Run!” playlist that lasts 11 hours with the totally realistic idea you’ll need all 11 hours of it.
2. Tweet about it.
3. …— Jessica Buttram (@JButtWhatWhat) May 30, 2018
Instead of just throwing away the box your iPhone came in, consider recycling it by using it as a casket for a bird
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 31, 2018
Then Peter said to him, “Lord, how long must we sing the ‘Oceans’ chorus? As many as seven times?”
Jesus replied, “I do not say to you seven times, but 77 times.”
On hearing it, his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?” And many walked away sad.
— Matt Smethurst (@MattSmethurst) May 30, 2018
Celebrating 10 years on Twitter. I’ve met people here who became business partners and close IRL friends. I’ve also added some of you to a découpage Burn Book.
— Jamie B. Golden (@jamiebgolden) May 31, 2018
Elizabeth Hyndman likes drinking tea, using parentheses, and living in Nashville. Follow her on twitter