May was crazy, y’all. I was home exactly one weekend and thought the TOTMC might be affected by my lack of reading-Twitter time, but no. Things happened; y’all tweeted about them. Here’s a real quick rundown that is probably missing some things but you can just Google them later: May 4th, Mother’s Day, James Comey was fired, the Preds went into season overtime (championships, Stanley Cup eligible), people graduated, covfefe. Without further ado, the best tweets from my feed this month.
It’s a packed week…with Timberlake memes and Star Wars memes and Cinco de Mayo memes. Godspeed everyone.
— Jamie Golden (@jamiebgolden) May 1, 2017
The man at the next table is clapping along to the music in this coffee shop. Honestly, it's the good thing I've been needing in my life.
— MeLissa Luna (@ohdarlinggirl) May 1, 2017
I just don't think Selena Gomez has ever had whiskey neat.
— Laura McClellan (@laura_mcclellan) May 1, 2017
So now after live tweeting the Met Gala, I will now do a series of tweets about Christian women and their online platforms. 1/87
— Jamie Golden (@jamiebgolden) May 2, 2017
Normal day:
8-10: procrastinate
10-12: think about lunch
12-2: fight sleep
2-3: procrastinate
3-4: do an entire day's work in 60 minutes— Shawn Smucker (@shawnsmucker) May 3, 2017
I will never not be impressed by people whose Twitter handles are simply their first name.
— Laura McClellan (@laura_mcclellan) May 3, 2017
"Oh my gosh I have so much to do, I'm swamped."
*scrolls Instagram*
*tweets about being unproductive*— CatherineGiudiciLowe (@clmgiudici) May 3, 2017
Here is my annual reminder of Twitter wisdom:
The people who frustrate the snot out of you, you don't have to follow.
— John Starke (@john_starke) May 3, 2017
If you don't believe in total depravity, I could point you to a couple threads on Twitter.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) May 4, 2017
Ok good work today everyone. Get some sleep and come back tomorrow refreshed and ready to argue online again
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) May 4, 2017
You know you live in Nashville when the news spends as much time on who sang the national anthem as who won the game.#musiccitypreds
— ItsMe_AmyT (@ItsMe_AmyT) May 4, 2017
Want to feel old? If the Flintstones debuted today it would be set in 7634 BC.
— Chad Gibbs (@Chad_Gibbs) May 4, 2017
my favorite thing is before the movie when 7 different production company logos flash on the screen and we all sit there like we understand
— Nathan W. Pyle (@nathanwpyle) May 5, 2017
"Idk, I don't think I would use it enough to make it worth the investment." Me, just now, possibly overthinking adding a stapler to my desk.
— Heather Warfield (@HeatherWarfield) May 5, 2017
Watching Frasier. Niles Crane feels like a prototype of Sheldon Cooper.
— Chris Martin (@ChrisMartin17) May 6, 2017
I've never done one of those exercises when you flick the big ropes but I have changed a duvet so I get it
— Rachel Zink (@RachelGZink) May 6, 2017
Told a friend I need to pull out the oil wand & check the oil level in my car. Devastated to learn "oil wand" is actually called a dipstick.
— Jen Hall (@jeninthewild) May 6, 2017
Nighlok throws car. Power Ranger chops car mid-air with sword. Car bursts into flames.
My son: “They’re so careless with people’s things.”
— Seth Worley (@Awakeland3D) May 6, 2017
Idea: Baby Groot+BB8+anyone from a Pixar short in a full-length wordless animated film that makes you feel emotions you didn't know you had
— Heather Warfield (@HeatherWarfield) May 7, 2017
I always use punctuation in texts. I'm just realizing I'm the minority. Is that like when ppl use all caps because they think it's normal?
— Lore FergusonWilbert (@lorewilbert) May 8, 2017
To better my patience, I imagine people in front of me in the grocery line or ATM are aliens encountering our Earth world for the first time
— Jared C. Wilson (@jaredcwilson) May 9, 2017
The biggest writing sin (and probably my own biggest temptation) is trying to be clever. More often than not, cleverness kills clarity.
— Aaron Earls (@WardrobeDoor) May 9, 2017
stress arches your breath
the way a cat arches its back
when spooked.it holds
position,forgets
to exhale.#shortpoems #amwriting— Rachel Joy Watson (@racheljoywatson) May 9, 2017
Quick recognition to my parents who went to school plays pre-iPhones. Salute.
— Dean Inserra (@deaninserra) May 9, 2017
When you listen to podcasts on fast speed and then suddenly stop?
Every podcast host is super drunk.
— Kendra: Lazy Genius (@hiitskendra) May 10, 2017
My fear is that we have been subconsciously trained to express temporary outrage and then forget it the next morning.
— Jonathan Crabb (@JonathanBCrabb) May 10, 2017
Just lemme know pic.twitter.com/KQEqH8aGrX
— chris pratt (@prattprattpratt) May 10, 2017
Breaking News: This is the greatest stat of all stats since the beginning of time! pic.twitter.com/R1VHOBQq9B
— Lizette Beard (@LizetteBeard) May 10, 2017
I'm crazy enough to believe that there is no prayer of mine that God deems insignificant.
— Jackie Hill Perry (@JackieHillPerry) May 10, 2017
As an adult one of my favorite things to do is go to bed
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) May 10, 2017
“Why are you scared of werewolves THEY’RE JUST MEN THAT TURN INTO WOLVES”
– my daughter, fearless badass, to my other daughter, normal human— Seth Worley (@Awakeland3D) May 11, 2017
Make healthy choices, kids!
Says the 38 yr old eating a pop tart at 10pm.
— Amanda B Williams (@biblewilliams) May 11, 2017
When you finish a transaction in an office, thank the person, and assertively command, "Alright guys, let's go," but the kids are in school.
— Gloria Furman (@gloriafurman) May 11, 2017
After standing in front of a painting at a museum for a few minutes, step back, exhale, and say, "Oh, I see now. It's a picture"
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 11, 2017
My current “plug in the USB cord correctly the first time” streak is at 2. It’s a new world record.
— Jonathan Howe (@Jonathan_Howe) May 11, 2017
When a total stranger who is under no obligation to tell you anything about their life has a baby and doesn't immediately announce the name. pic.twitter.com/ksT0esYXNx
— Tiffany Dorrin Olsen (@TiffanyDOlsen) May 12, 2017
One frustrating thing about perpetual Trump chaos is that other important stories don't get the attention they deserve. pic.twitter.com/flNjgIdv69
— Ruth Graham (@publicroad) May 12, 2017
It's bedtime somewhere.
— CatherineGiudiciLowe (@clmgiudici) May 13, 2017
I am able to give thanks in all circumstances when I trust the God that controls all of my circumstances.
— Jackie Hill Perry (@JackieHillPerry) May 13, 2017
Waited 10 mins in my car for the neighbor's cat to pass… because that's how bad my social anxiety gets.
— Josh Sparks (@jallensparks) May 13, 2017
I'd write something of my own to my mom, but I'm afraid it'd be impossible to beat this beautiful message pic.twitter.com/VQVkEFoLcm
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 13, 2017
"That fly got trapped in our car at my house & got free here, but his mommy is still at our house."
And now I feel sorry for a fly.
— Cindy Warren (@cindy_warren) May 13, 2017
I just got a lowercase k response on a text. Is there anything more rude?? You literally have to go in and un-caps lock it. the pettiness…
— John Crist (@johnbcrist) May 14, 2017
People will assume I’m sad today because I’m not a mom. Sleeping 9 hours every night and keeping all my money eases any melancholy.
— Jamie Golden (@jamiebgolden) May 14, 2017
Sure my mom birthed & raised me, but I've had to explain how to check her email 95,000 times, so let's just call it even.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) May 14, 2017
Being a shepherd means standing in a place where both the sheep and the wolves might bite you.
— Brandon D. Smith (@BrandonSmith85) May 15, 2017
Reconfronted this weekend with the thousands of women who believe "being free," "being myself," "being enough," is the gospel of Christ.
— Lore FergusonWilbert (@lorewilbert) May 15, 2017
Christ has freedom, yes. The Creator intricately designed you, yes. You can't earn grace, yes. But don't stop there, sisters. There's more.
— Lore FergusonWilbert (@lorewilbert) May 15, 2017
C.S. Lewis gets me every time!
I hope he will do writing workshops in heaven. 😂— Jackie Hill Perry (@JackieHillPerry) May 15, 2017
Glad at least one other person hopes there will be workshops in heaven. 🙂
Hey there, crazy-long book introduction, why couldn't you just be Chapter One like everyone else instead of overwhelming me like this?
— Ronnie Martin (@ronniejmartin) May 15, 2017
Just heard the Confederate Flag called the world's biggest participation trophy and nearly spit out my drink. Oh man.
— Griffin Gulledge ن (@griffingulledge) May 15, 2017
Just used a weed eater for the first time, and while I do feel empowered, I mostly feel grateful to have not sliced my leg open.
— Ashlyn Portero (@ashlynportero) May 16, 2017
I'm going on the record as still believing in blogging, if for no other reason than improving your writing. Forget platform; log some hours.
— Sharon Hodde Miller (@SHoddeMiller) May 16, 2017
Everyone please be aware: we are entering Zac-Efron-in-a-suit-on-press-tour season. Stay hydrated. Make sure you have snacks. pic.twitter.com/ffD7JmTd8D
— Erin Hicks Moon (@erinhmoon) May 16, 2017
I feel like shipping things is so much more complicated and expensive in the year 2017 than it should be.
— Chris Martin (@ChrisMartin17) May 16, 2017
We read the Psalms because in them we find men who struggled to find hope, and found it. #OGodOurHelpInAgesPast
— Ronnie Martin (@ronniejmartin) May 17, 2017
Home Reading time:
"Sometimes G makes the sound of J."
5YO: "That's dumb."
— Jan Moyer (@moyermama) May 17, 2017
Dobson might be in the single greatest reason why millennials and Gen Xers are having fewer children. https://t.co/APDbkQxRnf
— Happy Rant Podcast (@HappyRantPod) May 17, 2017
"I'm really sad you're leaving. Last time I was this sad was when my mom threw away my favorite box."–2nd grader
Compliment accepted.
— Kristin Weber (@kristinweb) May 17, 2017
First guy to preach in a romper is off the whole team, for real.
— Jared C. Wilson (@jaredcwilson) May 17, 2017
I like being politically orphaned—they weren't great parents anyway. I feel no need to defend or align with either of them anymore.
— Lore FergusonWilbert (@lorewilbert) May 18, 2017
"Lord, what am I doing wrong that all this stuff happens to me?"
"Lord, how on earth could you bless me so?"
All in 1 day. The life of faith— Beth Moore (@BethMooreLPM) May 18, 2017
Everything is theological.
Everything is eschatological.
— Micah Fries (@micahfries) May 18, 2017
Sorry I didn't get your text. By the time I thought of a response it was 4 days later.
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) May 19, 2017
"…intend to make disciples and let converts 'happen' instead of intending to make converts and letting disciples 'happen' – D. Willard
— Jen Wilkin (@jenniferwilkin) May 19, 2017
A stranger lady rubbed perfume on me in a restaurant bathroom last night.
In hindsight I realize that's a weird thing not to object to.
— Cindy Warren (@cindy_warren) May 19, 2017
"…When everyone else is following their hearts, we will follow Jesus." Hey-yo and 5 positive sakes alive from @TrevinWax.
— Dean Inserra (@deaninserra) May 19, 2017
The moms who use #timeslowdown for their preschool grads are the same ones who post #hurryupbedtime.
— Jamie Golden (@jamiebgolden) May 19, 2017
DON’T YOU KNOW THE DAYS ARE LONG BUT THE YEARS ARE SHORT OR SOMETHING?
— Laura McClellan (@laura_mcclellan) May 19, 2017
"I'm going to go this way, bye!" – Translation: I have no idea where this way goes but at least there'll be no chat
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) May 19, 2017
:: has great idea for an online service ::
:: remembers he has virtually no coding skills ::
:: moves on ::
On repeat. Every day.
— Jack Jenkins (@jackmjenkins) May 19, 2017
Reporting live from a bouncy house filled with elementary students. This is it. This is how I'll die.
— Heather Warfield (@HeatherWarfield) May 19, 2017
My Uber driver this morning showed up in overalls, sneakers, and a ball cap & told me stories about his farm.
I'm home. | #Tennessee
— Lauren Rae Konkol (@laurenkonkol) May 20, 2017
We remind ourselves of what is better (Christ) in times of joy, to avoid idolatry. We do the same in times of suffering, to avoid despair.
— Rachel Joy Watson (@racheljoywatson) May 20, 2017
Sister Schubert's rolls are what would've happened if Jesus had turned those stones into bread.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) May 21, 2017
When lightning bugs return, the child of the South within me hoots and hollers that summer has commenced once more.
— Brent Leatherwood (@LeatherwoodTN) May 22, 2017
In finishing up my notes for ethics lectures this week, noticed my computer auto-corrected "Hong Kong" to "Honky-Tonk."
— Russell Moore (@drmoore) May 22, 2017
Disappointed in every religion reporter in Tennessee for never using the headline "Haslam is on the move."
— Cort Gatliff (@cortgatliff) May 22, 2017
There are three main approaches to authority in the western Church.
Catholicism: Rock.
Protestantism: Paper.
Liberalism: Scissors.— Andrew Wilson (@AJWTheology) May 23, 2017
I thank God for every time He said "no" when I prayed for a "yes".
— Jackie Hill Perry (@JackieHillPerry) May 23, 2017
Confession: I'm only 50% confident I could Tweet a thread of Tweets correctly, should I desire to do so.
— Shawn Smucker (@shawnsmucker) May 24, 2017
My legs hurt because I’ve started exercising again. My gums ache because I’ve started flossing again. Somebody stop me before I lose my arms
— Katherine H (@grass_stains) May 24, 2017
Jonathan Edwards wrote a resolution about not getting angry at inanimate objects but my dude never had to deal with bad Wi-Fi
— scott james (@scott_h_james) May 24, 2017
Parents yell the most helpful things at little league games.
Run!
Catch it!Wow, we're so glad you're here with that vital instruction.
— scott james (@scott_h_james) May 25, 2017
"Why do we have the president that we have now?"
We need answers. pic.twitter.com/oDufde0ucF
— Jackie Hill Perry (@JackieHillPerry) May 26, 2017
Also can we give that little girl and the strutting BBC interview girl their own Netflix series? I don’t really care what it’s about.
— Aaron Earls (@WardrobeDoor) May 26, 2017
A lot of people don't realize that you don't have to be invited to a stranger's wedding to participate in their wedding hashtag
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 28, 2017
Where is this field we're all sitting in? The grassy knoll? The abandoned building? The perfect graffiti on a busy street? I want in on this
— Jasmine Holmes (@JasmineLHolmes) May 29, 2017
Also, wardrobe. Do we all have stylists? Is there a closet checklist that tells me what I need? Don't hold out on me, y'all. I need answers.
— Jasmine Holmes (@JasmineLHolmes) May 29, 2017
I'm curious, yet cautious about some of my neighbors. pic.twitter.com/1JlfFIpZAq
— Ron Hyndman (@ronhyndman) May 30, 2017
I'm that bridesmaid who sends an 850-word email about the bachelorette party. #sorrynotsorry #fundamnit
— Andie Roeder Moody (@andiemoody) May 30, 2017
Dance Like No One Is Watching Because You Are Completely And Utterly Alone
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) May 30, 2017
— Chris Martin (@ChrisMartin17) May 31, 2017
Official proclamation: all the jokes about this are good, including the bad ones. Deadline doesn't close until 7am ET tomorrow morning.
— PJ Vogt (@PJVogt) May 31, 2017
Wakes up.
Checks Twitter.
.
.
.
Uh…
.
.
.
📈 Lookups fo…
.
.
.
Regrets checking Twitter.
Goes back to bed.— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) May 31, 2017
Sorry. Grammatical error. The "c" in "covfefe" is not capitalized.
— Michael Wear (@MichaelRWear) May 31, 2017
— Dami Lee (@dami_lee) May 31, 2017
(Full disclosure: I followed Dami Lee because of this tweet.)
to be an English teacher in the age of #covfefe is truly a blessing pic.twitter.com/ScsVP1v0HI
— kyla crowther (@whatkylasaid) May 31, 2017
I'm not always glad I checked Twitter before bed, but tonight, I'm #covfefe
— Rachel Joy Watson (@racheljoywatson) May 31, 2017
I like to think "covfefe" means "what the heck." As in, I have small group tomorrow morning at 6:30 AM, but covfefe!
— Michael Wear (@MichaelRWear) May 31, 2017
"Covfefe" pic.twitter.com/duOg7f4daJ
— HUCKWORTH. (@TylerHuckabee) May 31, 2017
in defense of cantaloupe
✅taste:sweet
✅scent:fragrant
✅texture:soft/slimy
✅color:sun-bleached traffic cone
✅I admit I've not done this well— Nathan W. Pyle (@nathanwpyle) May 31, 2017
Is #covfefe a preexisting condition?
— Jamie Golden (@jamiebgolden) May 31, 2017
Theory: Mermaids were created and popularized by people who couldn't draw human legs.
— Ryan Higginbottom (@Ryan_Higg) May 31, 2017
How pic.twitter.com/4JE4QLRE0H
— HUCKWORTH. (@TylerHuckabee) May 31, 2017
"You've got a missed call"
I know, I was staring at my phone as I was missing it
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) June 1, 2017
Good work everyone. Feels like we really nailed the internet today.
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) June 1, 2017
Elizabeth Hyndman likes drinking tea, using parentheses, and living in Nashville. Follow her on twitter