Here’s the deal. There was a lot of tragedy in July 2016. I also accidentally took a week off from Twitter. Those things combined make this an unusual Tweets of the Month Club. I’ll just leave it as these are some, but not all, of the best tweets to cross my feed this month.
Pretty sure this means I found where they filmed Deliverance. pic.twitter.com/NAFJyPqxrX
— Rachel Callahan (@ObjectivityRach) July 1, 2016
We pray, talk, write, read, teach, counsel, and even tweet because words matter. Don’t waste them on hate, slander, grumbling, or division.
— Brandon D. Smith (@BrandonSmith85) July 2, 2016
My family’s taking a break this weekend from complaining about America so we can celebrate America. 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/JBcSRvM5G0
— Jamie Golden (@jamiebgolden) July 2, 2016
I appreciate our youth pastor's patriotism & creativity, but that'll be the last time we attempt a Roman candlelight service.
— Fake J.D. Greear (@FakeJDGreear) July 3, 2016
Quick acknowledgment of the first world struggle that is traveling on a Sunday when @ChickfilA is closed.
— Dean Inserra (@deaninserra) July 3, 2016
If I spent as much time hustling as I do picking a 4th of July outfit, then I’d be the Republican AND Democratic Presidential nominee.
— Jamie Golden (@jamiebgolden) July 4, 2016
“We don’t have any hobbies. But we do try to get together a few times a month to judge people and complain…” pic.twitter.com/r66KX4wFR4
— Brandon Stanton (@humansofny) July 4, 2016
“He must have so much time for interesting hobbies” — me, thinking about the guy behind me who verbally shortened “possession” to ”possesh“
— Tennessee Grimes (@10ehC) July 5, 2016
If someone had written this year in the news as a novel, I would have ridiculed the plot as amateurishly unrealistic.
— Russell Moore (@drmoore) July 5, 2016
Just remembering that some churches have a puppet ministry and that I've participated in it more than once. LOL
— Allison Hancock (@Allison_Hancock) July 5, 2016
See also: clown ministries.
Pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; optimist sees the dirty glass & puts it back in the dishwasher b/c 3rd time’s the charm.
— Tiffany Dorrin Olsen (@TiffanyDOlsen) July 6, 2016
If the third time doesn’t work, the realist throws away the glass.
I’m all about getting presents for any occasion but can we think about rebranding “push present?”
— Laura McClellan (@laura_mcclellan) July 8, 2016
Don't Read The Comments: A Synopsis of 2016 Thus Far
— Cindy Warren (@cindy_warren) July 8, 2016
Person in line behind me: Your boyfriend just dropped something
Me: He's not my boyfriend
Person: Oh, I thought he was
Me: Thank you
— Jen Hall (@jeninthewild) July 11, 2016
Looking for a chill way to tell a stranger that I've creeped their Instagram and I need some of their friends to date some of my friends.
— MeLissa Luna (@ohdarlinggirl) July 11, 2016
— Aaron Earls (@WardrobeDoor) July 14, 2016
No matter how sweet your life is here, there's always something about this place that doesn't feel right. It isn't right. It's not your Home
— Elyse Fitzpatrick (@ElyseFitz) July 14, 2016
I put essential oils and some of that Advocare soda in an ItWorks! wrap and now I'm superhuman! FEAR ME, MORTALS
— Jared C. Wilson (@jaredcwilson) July 14, 2016
I wish I had as much confidence as people's families after they answer a question on Family Feud.
— Ring By Spring (@ringbyspringlu) July 14, 2016
Only the Christian God has scars.
— Matt Smethurst (@MattSmethurst) July 15, 2016
Remembering a time when whole days could go past without global, gut-churning news.
— Sam Allberry ن (@SamAllberry) July 15, 2016
*out of breath from running here*
You guys, it was HORRIBLE. I posted something-
[looks around and whispers]
— Kevin T. Porter (@KevinTPorter) July 16, 2016
The gal next to me at the Atlanta airport has a huge tattoo of a cat on her bicep that says "Murdered too soon." People are the best.
— JenHatmaker (@JenHatmaker) July 16, 2016
Things I can accomplish without “essential” oils: everything thus far in life.
— Barnabas Piper (@BarnabasPiper) July 17, 2016
Cruising round the hood with the minivan windows down and the VBS tunes cranked way up high.
Not easy being the cool mom.
— Jan Moyer (@moyermama) July 17, 2016
"All other ground is sinking sand." It's taking me a lifetime to learn this.
— Russell Moore (@drmoore) July 17, 2016
How I like to imagine it went down:
Kanye: What a crappy month. Wish we could give everyone a stupid distraction.
KimK: I have an idea…
— Tiffany Dorrin Olsen (@TiffanyDOlsen) July 18, 2016
Our neighborhood Facebook page feeds the very soul of my inner-sociologist.
— Lizette Beard (@LizetteBeard) July 19, 2016
A great thing to say to a Starbucks employee before you start an order is, "Hi, I heard about you guys on Yelp"
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 20, 2016
In this historical moment, I'm learning I can handle a surprising amount of disagreement when the fruit of the Spirit is evident in someone.
— Sharon Hodde Miller (@SHoddeMiller) July 20, 2016
I keep trying to double tap on Snaps to like them, and it does not work, and I hate snapchat, and take me back to instagram, where I belong.
— Cindy Warren (@cindy_warren) July 20, 2016
I’ve had this same experience.
@edhyndman I’ll probably just save all of my bills to binge watch later.
— Seth Worley (@Awakeland3D) July 20, 2016
We’re just going to send links to instagrams of money.
Is it too much to ask for a coffee shop that’s like sitting in a cozy library, not a renovated warehouse mixed with a lumber yard?
— Tiffany Dorrin Olsen (@TiffanyDOlsen) July 20, 2016
I’m planning a thinkpiece on this very trend for Coffee Shoppers, if we ever revive that blog. Prepare your hearts, Nashville.
The higher my view of God's sovereignty, the lower my level of worry. #hesgotthis
— Jared C. Wilson (@jaredcwilson) July 21, 2016
The tax collector didn't pray, "God thank you I'm not like this Pharisee."
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) July 21, 2016
An idol is anything that you turn to and say, "Save me."
— Timothy Keller (@timkellernyc) July 22, 2016
"Has anyone seen my hamster?” asked my neighbor, much to the horror of the rest of us in the elevator.
— Jen Hall (@jeninthewild) July 23, 2016
Toy Story, but with phones instead of Woody and Buzz 😔
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) July 23, 2016
@BigMama I've seen one too many pretty adult women with puppy noses & ears this week.
— Melissa Moore (@MelissaMoore77) July 23, 2016
[The first tweet is in response to a tweet about Snapchat filters. I can’t get it to not be attached.]
A fun thing to do when someone posts a photo of their pet is to offer to buy it, then insist, then become so hostile that they unfriend you
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 24, 2016
Is there a safe way to remove the pit from an avocado? I feel like I'm taking my life into my hands every time I make guacamole.
— Scott McClellan (@ScottMcClellan) July 24, 2016
Another good name for elevators would be introvert prison.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) July 24, 2016
Shout out to Dr. Rainer (and every introvert at LifeWay now sharing one elevator).
I've been off social media for a bit.
Did I miss anything important? pic.twitter.com/4u3Z5ELjBL
— Eric Schumacher (@emschumacher) July 24, 2016
Reading your food's nutritional facts is a great way to hate yourself.
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) July 24, 2016
It's not a vacation if you're eating kale chips, Denise.
— Jan Moyer (@moyermama) July 24, 2016
Bean, singing along to Exes & Ohs: Mommy, what is she talking about?
Me, hoping she buys it: …Tic-Tac-Toe?
Bean, to herself: I knew it.
— Jessica Buttram (@JButtWhatWhat) July 25, 2016
In the future, “2016” will be a swear word you yell when everything that could go wrong goes wrong.
— Aaron Earls (@WardrobeDoor) July 25, 2016
Below is a list of
the profound insights that I
gained through a Twitter sabbatical:
I hope they are helpful.
— Eric Schumacher (@emschumacher) July 25, 2016
Granted, my “sabbatical” was a lot shorter, but I learned the same thing!
Our deck was power washed today and I keep going outside to look at it. V exciting season of life guys.
— Rachel Trammell (@racheltrammell) July 26, 2016
No YOU'RE sitting on the curb at 9pm crying over @NPRinvisibilia.
— Erin Hicks Moon (@erinhmoon) July 26, 2016
I should have used "former National Honor Society Member" as my profession. #TheBachelorette
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) July 26, 2016
just googled my bf's tour schedule to see when i can schedule our @Five_Daughters instagram date 🙄🙄🙄
— Nashville Girl (@nashville__girl) July 27, 2016
today I finally showed my parents the fruit sticker collection I've been building in the kitchen for the last 5years pic.twitter.com/dXdc20IELl
— Amber Krogel (@amberkrogel) July 28, 2016
Mainly, I’m just really impressed. Also considering starting my own collection.
If you manipulate and market your way to a public platform, you will lack the muscle to fight off a horde of demons waiting for you on it.
— Beth Moore (@BethMooreLPM) July 28, 2016
— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) July 28, 2016
Later in Heaven: "In today's colloquy we'll hear from those of you who were alive & sober in America in 2016. Was it cray?"
— Beth Moore (@BethMooreLPM) July 29, 2016
Mainly included this one because Beth Moore shares my belief that we’ll have colloquies in heaven (I’m also hoping for panel discussions and seminars).
I just said “thank you for not mattering it being there” to actual humans. Questioning why people let me put words together for a living.
— Laura McClellan (@laura_mcclellan) July 29, 2016
I think the hormones that make moms weepy & emotional trigger the hormones that make you want to keep empty wipes containers "just in case."
— Tiffany Dorrin Olsen (@TiffanyDOlsen) July 29, 2016
One of the worst things you could ever possibly do to someone is make eye contact with them while they're eating a cupcake.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) July 31, 2016