Guys, guys! August and September gave us a lot to tweet about. Unfortunately, I was not on Twitter as much as usual and I was in Alaska on September 1st. So here we are with a double feature. To recap (for context), we had the Olympics, Instagram copied Snapchat, the election, etc. etc.
Without further ado, the best tweets I read in my feed in August and September.
This morning I hid in my bathroom for 50 min. when the handyman unexpectedly came in my apt.
So that's how I'd handle a zombie apocalypse.
— Molly Gentry (@mollsabeth) August 2, 2016
Year of the This is Fine Dog
— PJ Vogt (@PJVogt) August 2, 2016
Instagram becoming Snapchat is like those women who sneak zucchini into their potluck brownies. NOBODY WANTS THOSE BRITTANY.
— Jamie Golden (@jamiebgolden) August 3, 2016
If you haven't made an Instagram vid about how insta is trying to be snapchat then you are REALLY MISSING OUT ✌🏼️
— erinmcgown (@erinmcgown) August 3, 2016
Proud to announce that I'm starting a nonprofit that brings old people with premium cable together with youngsters who just need passwords.
— Eddie Kaufholz (@EdwardorEddie) August 4, 2016
Writers, thank your editors today. They have a tough job killing our darlings and making our work stronger, better, and clearer.
— Lore FergusonWilbert (@lorewilbert) August 5, 2016
Yes, I, as an editor, favorited this and am putting it here. As a writer and as an editor, I agree.
Me normally: "Lifting a Mountain Dew can to my mouth is exercise."
Me during #Olympics: "I'm confident I could medal in judo with ease."
— kyla crowther (@whatkylasaid) August 7, 2016
Gabby just did a back flip with a full twist and landed on a 4-inch block of wood. I walked into a doorframe at my house today. Same thing.
— Jonathan Howe (@Jonathan_Howe) August 8, 2016
"Shelby, what's your favorite class at school so far?"
— Katy Boatman (@KatyBoat) August 8, 2016
Here's some dating advice from the two people currently sitting behind me: don't break up right after boarding an airplane together
— James Southworth (@jasouth722) August 10, 2016
I pretty much assume I’ve messed all of it up and will be getting a call about a random hotel booked in 2036 and a flight to Siberia.
— Aaron Earls (@WardrobeDoor) August 10, 2016
Same. In fairness, I’ve been a day off on both a hotel reservation and a plane ticket (different trips) before.
10:17PM AND WE ARE JUST MOVING ON FROM SWIMMING. I AM 42 YEARS OLD AND DIDN'T PROPERLY TRAIN FOR THIS OLYMPIC WATCHING PACE. #Rio2016
— JenHatmaker (@JenHatmaker) August 11, 2016
I missed most of the Olympics because of this.
At the lake, two loons call to each other, dip beneath the still water, call again. A man shouts from his lake house, "SHUT THE HELL UP!"
— Ruth Graham (@publicroad) August 11, 2016
Regret is accidentally closing your browser when you have 29 tabs open. 😫
— Jacey Verdicchio (@JaceyVerdicchio) August 12, 2016
*Googles "Can I change my toddler's name to 'Simone'?"*
*Googles "Can I change *my* name to 'Simone'?"*
— Aaron Earls (@WardrobeDoor) August 12, 2016
I accept that I can't be like these athletes. But I could totally play the role of Aly Raisman's mom.#Rio2016
— Amy Carter Whitfield (@acwhit) August 12, 2016
— Marty Duren (@martyduren) August 13, 2016
This was my very favorite Katie Ledecky tweet.
Good night stars, good night air, good night spider on the kitchen cupboard I'm pretending I didn't see because I don't want to deal.
— Jan Moyer (@moyermama) August 13, 2016
Attribution is easy: An em dash and the author's name. You can add quotation marks if you want, but if it's too much work, the name will do.
— Lore FergusonWilbert (@lorewilbert) August 14, 2016
I literally just missed the 100 meter final because I was looking for a cookie.
— Eddie Kaufholz (@EdwardorEddie) August 15, 2016
I'd say my greatest quality is my ability to only watch gymnastics every four years and still be an expert with great insight into the sport
— Michael Wear (@MichaelRWear) August 15, 2016
— Seth Worley (@Awakeland3D) August 18, 2016
It helps me out SO much if my crush has a podcast
— erinmcgown (@erinmcgown) August 20, 2016
— Amplified Nashville (@amplifiednash) August 20, 2016
— Laura McClellan (@laura_mcclellan) August 22, 2016
Listen, I cant trust someone who doesn't have social media.
— Allison Hancock (@Allison_Hancock) August 22, 2016
How to remove the day's problems:
– Fill kettle
– Boil kettle
– Get favourite mug
– Make tea just how you like it
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) August 23, 2016
I would say we, as America, should just have a cuppa to solve the election, but that’s kind of what got us into this.
The 7 YO's prayer tonight: "Jesus, it would be great if we could just start over tomorrow." 🙌
— Erin Hicks Moon (@erinhmoon) August 25, 2016
Chip card readers are the hand dryers of financial transactions
— B.J. Novak (@bjnovak) August 26, 2016
I don’t remember 99% of the meals I’ve eaten, but they’ve kept me alive. God uses faithful, forgettable sermons to beautify his bride.
— Matt Smethurst (@MattSmethurst) August 28, 2016
Getting the feeling that some of you ladies are just wearing the pants and not actually practicing yoga.
— Jared C. Wilson (@jaredcwilson) August 28, 2016
Taking Communion With Gum in My Mouth: A Memoir
— Kate Brannen (@katewantstorun) August 28, 2016
any of my gal pals able to babysit all of my plants for a few days? taking a quick weekend trip to KC to get a photo in front of a mural 💕
— Nashville Girl (@nashville__girl) August 29, 2016
Emojis, Frozen, uber, girl squads, brexit, Ryan Lochte, these are things I wish i could've written Michael Scott's takes on
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) August 31, 2016
I’ve realized I’m now the type of person who often begins a sentence w/ “I was listening to a podcast, and…” Does that make me insufferable?
— Laura McClellan (@laura_mcclellan) August 31, 2016
If so, I am doomed. We will be each other’s only friend.
Moving every single email in your inbox to a "deal with these later" folder is a great way to get your inbox back to zero. #themoreyouknow
— Cindy Warren (@cindy_warren) August 31, 2016
Make sure you tell your aunt that @instagram let's you zoom in on photos now. She's been trying that for years.
— Jon Acuff (@JonAcuff) September 1, 2016
Pro editor/writer: You shouldn't use 2 spaces after a period.
Not a pro editor/writer: But my typing teacher from 20 years ago told me to.
— Tiffany Dorrin Olsen (@TiffanyDOlsen) September 1, 2016
Me: What do you want at @sonicdrivein?
My family: Just press the red button & we'll shout items at you that they've never had on their menu.
— Jon Acuff (@JonAcuff) September 2, 2016
I feel my job on vacations is to chauffeur a crew of photographers from one location to another. #HyfromAlaska
— Ron Hyndman (@ronhyndman) September 3, 2016
But my instagram followers said it was worth it. 🙂
Teenaged girl at Starbucks sipping a #PSL and loudly declaring how she hates to be the center of attention. People are amazing.
— Barnabas Piper (@BarnabasPiper) September 4, 2016
I'm sure it's just a coincidence that my daughter's birthday party theme matches up with the left over VBS decorations from this year. Yep.
— Jonathan Howe (@Jonathan_Howe) September 5, 2016
I avoid Facetiming guys early on in a relationship cause I want them to like me for more than my nostrils.
— Kristin Weber (@kristinweb) September 5, 2016
Leave it to Arkansas to come up with the very best ideas for the talent portion! 💜❤️💜 pic.twitter.com/JU3gYmTwRJ
— Lizette Beard (@LizetteBeard) September 6, 2016
Just saw a guy sitting outside a coffee shop, enjoying his coffee but not looking at his phone. And now I'm super unnerved.
— Jason Gausta (@jagausta) September 7, 2016
Tell people every good thing you hear about them.
— MeLissa Luna (@ohdarlinggirl) September 7, 2016
What a pathetic waste to sit around coveting others' gifts. Let's just throw our hands over our mouths, amazed & graced to be on their team.
— Beth Moore (@BethMooreLPM) September 8, 2016
Twitter is Coach. Instagram is Tami. Facebook is Julie.
— Jamie Golden (@jamiebgolden) September 12, 2016
Eating an entire thin crust pizza is equivalent to 2.5 slices of hand-tossed crust pizza. Spread the word.
— Tiffany Dorrin Olsen (@TiffanyDOlsen) September 12, 2016
I don't want to call it magical but buzzfeed just knew my age based on my cheese choices.
— Sarah McStephens (@sarahmcstephens) September 14, 2016
Anyone else pretty upset they did all of their cool traveling before social media really took off?
— erinmcgown (@erinmcgown) September 15, 2016
You guys, I deleted 3/4 of my study abroad photos from Facebook because you could only have 60 photos per album. Now they’re on a CD. A CD! No one can heart them on a CD!
Me: "Cool, I get to board in group 1."
Delta: "Right after Gold, Medallion, Honors, Priority, First, Sky Club, CVS card holders…"
— John Crist (@johnbcrist) September 18, 2016
Have the house to myself for a few hours. I can do whatever I want. Watch TV, read, accidentally injure myself & die with no one to save me
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 19, 2016
I'm not going to freak out about celebrity relationships not working until it's Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson
— Adrienne Cooper (@LemonAdeH) September 21, 2016
The lack of fanfare for my Tami Taylor for President tee is getting is really making me reconsider who I associate with on a daily basis.
— Laura McClellan (@laura_mcclellan) September 21, 2016
No, friend, don't trust yourself. Trust the One who made you. Trust the One who died for you. Trust the One inside you.
— Lore FergusonWilbert (@lorewilbert) September 21, 2016
Seeing photos of Will & Kate in Canada with their prime minister. It’s like they’re rubbing their happiness in our faces on #debatenight.
— Tiffany Dorrin Olsen (@TiffanyDOlsen) September 26, 2016
Twitter commentary is winning this debate. #Debates2016
— Bethany Jenkins (@BethanyJenkins) September 27, 2016
Doing dishes and laundry? No bigs. Putting dishes and laundry away? BIGGEST CHORE EVER. PROCRASTINATE FOR DAYS.
— Andrea Lucado (@andrealucado) September 29, 2016
Can we all just collectively hire one guy to read all the terms and conditions and let us know if there's anything bad in there?
— John Crist (@johnbcrist) September 29, 2016
The doctrine of total depravity and years of country music have prepared me for this 2016 campaign season.
— Russell Moore (@drmoore) September 30, 2016
Take a kidney, leave a kidney. pic.twitter.com/egBImifCcs
— Rachel Callahan (@ObjectivityRach) September 30, 2016
Sometimes, when I'm feeling dangerous, I say things like "I'm tired" in front of moms.
— Cindy Warren (@cindy_warren) October 1, 2016