Twitter, this may have been our best month yet. Good work, everybody.
Apparently #Nashville is the new bachelorette party capital of the South.
— Jonathan Howe (@Jonathan_Howe) August 1, 2014
“Fine. I won’t get the mark of beast.” -@erinmcgown
— MeLissa Luna (@ohdarlinggirl) August 2, 2014
Sometimes all you’ve got left to say to yourself is Bless your heart.
— Beth Moore (@BethMooreLPM) August 3, 2014
Is going “to hell in a hand basket” worse than all the other forms of transportation to hell?
— Barnabas Piper (@BarnabasPiper) August 6, 2014
Getting really into essential oils. And by essential oils I mean the oil Chick-fil-A uses to cook their waffle fries.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) August 6, 2014
When Holls wakes up & stomps around pre-6am, I make a mark in a book. 1st day of summer 2022, waking her via bugler at 5am for every mark.
— Erin Hicks Moon (@erinhmoon) August 7, 2014
If “the tongue is a fire” keyboards are nuclear bombs
— Jeremy Maxfield (@JRMaxfield) August 7, 2014
Buying extra Chick fil a on Saturday is the modern day equivalent of gathering enough manna for the Sabbath.
— Kristin Weber (@kristinweb) August 9, 2014
I’d love to spend a day at the idea of the beach.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) August 9, 2014
Had a dream last night that I composed the most perfect tweet. This isn’t it.
— Jason Gausta (@jagausta) August 12, 2014
Server: Is Pibb Extra okay? Me: Is North Korea okay?
— Jamie Golden (@JamiesRabbits) August 12, 2014
My roommate Soledad, comforting me while I bemoan my age: “33 is a great year. That’s when Jesus died…uh…and rose again.”
— Lore Ferguson (@loreferguson) August 12, 2014
Couples who share a joint social media account together, lose my friendship together.
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) August 13, 2014
Phone just corrected a bunch of absolute gibberish to “Flannery O’Connor” and I can now retire from all further attempts to build my legacy.
— Jenna (@jpeyt) August 13, 2014
If someone takes a call while I’m driving, I’m like, at last, I can turn the music off and listen to half a conversation I’m not invested in
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 14, 2014
If you don’t give your newborn a cute hashtag, they’ll be smoking drugs behind dumpsters by the time they’re in middle school.
— Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) August 14, 2014
mowed the lawn. killed a snake. where my P31 merit badge for yard work at?
— Sarah Culotta (@culotts) August 15, 2014
You’re cooler than the moment when “Party in the USA” comes on at a wedding.
— Hannah Brencher (@hannahbrencher) August 15, 2014
The resurrection means everything sad is going to eventually come untrue and it will somehow be greater for once being broken and lost.
— Timothy Keller (@timkellernyc) August 16, 2014
Ah, for the simple days when all we had to worry about was whether or not the Noah movie was accurate enough.
— Tyler Huckabee (@TylerHuckabee) August 17, 2014
I could never date a guy named Herb because I would never know if it was pronounced Herb or Herb
— erinmcgown (@erinmcgown) August 18, 2014
“I hope the ALS marketing manager gets a raise….also, do you feel like Jesus is about to come back?” -@KatyBoat, casual conversationalist
— Kelsey Alexander (@KelseyLynn7) August 19, 2014
Creating a pop culture throwback show for homeschoolers called, “VH1′s I Boycotted the 90s.”
— Kristin Weber (@kristinweb) August 19, 2014
— Chris Martin (@ChrisMartin17) August 19, 2014
Australian sarcasm is beautifully done. A good conversation is a bit like thinking you’ve been poked in the eye but realizing it’s a hug
— Lizette Beard (@LizetteBeard) August 20, 2014
Is part of this ice bucket challenge that you’re supposed to feel guilty and concerned about your social life if no one challenges you?
— Tiffany Dorrin Olsen (@NotThatOlsen) August 21, 2014
If I could time travel, I’d go to the 80s with a stack of comment sections, find the guys inventing the internet and be like, “You sure?”
— Jared Hollier (@JaredHollier) August 21, 2014
“Welcome to Heaven. I am Saint Pe-” “What’s the wifi password?”
— Tyler Huckabee (@TylerHuckabee) August 22, 2014
When headlines end in hooks like, “What happened next will amaze you,” my head says that it prob won’t but my heart says WHAT IF IT DOES
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) August 23, 2014
Holland just finished regaling me & @CaptainAhmazing w/ her dream of “large robot meatballs.” This is pretty much why I got into parenting.
— Erin Hicks Moon (@erinhmoon) August 24, 2014
The VMAs are on tonight. Can’t wait to watch and be filled with a new wave of hope for the future.
— Kristin Weber (@kristinweb) August 24, 2014
Wondered why my Twitter feed is full of pictures of kids in PJs, then I remembered it’s the homeschoolers 1st day of school.
— Fake J.D. Greear (@FakeJDGreear) August 25, 2014
Ever try to catch 12 bouncy balls and maintain 4 different conversations? Then your “Dollar Store With Small Kids” training is complete.
— Jan Moyer (@moyermama) August 26, 2014
— TODAY (@TODAYshow) August 26, 2014
It takes pride to be anxious. I am not wise enough to know how my life should go. – @timkellernyc
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) August 26, 2014
I asked the writers if we could sing Popeye the Sailor Man instead of Happy Birthday from now on because I think it sounds more celebratory
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) August 26, 2014
Making jokes about pumpkin spice lattes is the new pumpkin spice latte.
— Tiffany Dorrin Olsen (@NotThatOlsen) August 27, 2014
Just googled “what drug is dope?” so don’t worry, Mom, I’m still super uncool.
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) August 30, 2014
Ah yes, Nashville. The town where when the clerk asks my name and I say “Strang,” she writes down “String.” Cuz that’s how they say string.
— Cameron Strang (@cameronstrang) August 30, 2014
when it’s sunday and chickfila is closed and you gotta find another restaurant pic.twitter.com/T4gmglgBUe
— John Crist (@johnbcrist) August 31, 2014